About Patty Ellis

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So far Patty Ellis has created 38 blog entries.

The Golfer and the Porn Star

I couldn’t get a flight out after a recent golf trip, so I was staying at a VERY REPUTABLE Orlando hotel prior to my morning flight and went down to the bar to watch Sunday Night Football.  John sat down next to me.  We hit it off and were chatting when a woman sat down on the other side of him.

The two of us were so different I wondered if we were members of the same species!   She was tattooed from head to toe.  How did I know from head to toe?  Because her skin was visible pretty much from head to toe.  I was wearing a sweater, Dockers, sweat socks, and loafers.

She was wearing stilettos that hurt my ankles just to look at.

Two of her tattoos were very prominent: two skull tattoos right above her… uh, um, bosom.  Now, that’s […]

A Silver Lining

I knew something was wrong as soon as I saw my sagging travel golf bag on the baggage carousel.  I opened up the bag and the driver head fell out, then my seven iron head, then…  “Crummy Airlines USA” had snapped every club in my bag.  In fact, the devastation was so total, even the golf bag itself, the one inside the travel bag, had its spine broken.  Insert sobbing sound here.

There’s a reason my clubs were 25 years old – I loved them!  If my sand wedge were human, I would have dated it.  And like salt in my wounds, they destroyed my clubs on the way down to Florida, not on the way back up.  In fact, I was going straight from the airport to play the PGA National Championship Course with one of my favorite golfing buddies.  She was able to […]

Gratitude – Happy Thanksgiving

I finished the 15th hole of a course down in Florida this past Thanksgiving week and there were two maintenance workers working hard in the heat.  I often say hello to maintenance workers.  I’m sure they couldn’t care less about me, but they work really hard so I can have fun, and it just doesn’t feel right to walk by and ignore them.  I assumed (correctly) that they were Hispanic and said, “Buenos días.”  They smiled and responded, “Buenos días.”

While walking away I had an interesting thought:  out of the 7.6 billion people in the world, the three of us took actions in our lives that brought us together to this exact same place at this exact same moment.  But then I thought: we couldn’t have had more different paths.

I assume their original homeland didn’t have enough work for them to […]

A Perfect Day

Just like in life, sometimes all the stars align for a perfect day of golf.  That’s what happened last week.

TIMING – CHECK!  The first thing this perfect day needed was a canceled trip.  My friend Anne Marie was supposed to go to Georgia but her trip got canceled at the last minute.  So, on the spur of the moment, she needed 3 friends who were available to play in her club’s Member-Guest.  HA!  I’m ALWAYS available!

COURSE – CHECK!   When I first moved to PA, I was given a list of “Must Play” courses in the area and Lookaway Golf Club was on the top of that list.  It lives up to the hype.

BEETHOVEN, MOZART AND BACH – CHECK!   When it comes to classical music, I don’t know my ass from my elbow.  Er, make that, I don’t know my bassoon from […]

Non-confrontation Confrontations

My last blogpost, The Confrontation, was about a crazy man attacking my friend Butch because Butch accidentally hit into him.  Here are some similar situations which, thankfully, didn’t have quite the same level of aggression.

HARRY:  In my normal weekday game, we try to play in the first group because, even in the 2nd group, it’s possible to get stuck behind slow players.  This happened to us one morning.  The right thing for the group in front of us to have done was let us play through.  Doing so is actually written right into the Rules of Golf – page 4 no less!  But nooooooooooo, they just weren’t going to be that considerate, so we were stuck behind them.  And it’s not like they didn’t know we were waiting for them because, on the 9th green, one yelled back at us “Slow […]

The Confrontation

If you read my blogpost “Butch,” you know that Butch is one of my favorite friends.  He’s a good golfer and just an all-around great guy.  And, unlike yours truly, he ALWAYS keeps his composure.  Also important to this story:  Butch is 6’2” and former military.

Last week, we were on a short par 4.  After the group in front of us (a twosome – one in his 50’s, one a rather short man of about 75) got onto the green, Butch teed off.  Ooops, the hole was a lot shorter than Butch thought because when he striped his tee shot, it rolled onto the green.

It was a mistake for which Butch wanted to apologize, but the 75 year-old went into a rage.  SOM, as I’ve come to refer to him (Scary Old Man), started waving his arms frantically and screaming at […]

Who’ll Show Up To Play Today?

Remember the Patty Duke show?  Patty was the lead role, but then her “identical cousin” Cathy would appear out of nowhere.

That’s how I feel on the golf course.  Sometimes I look like someone who’s played golf before.  I’m not a great player, but it’s clear I’ve played before.

But then this BI&T$#CH “cousin” Cathy shows up – unwelcomed, uninvited and possibly high on drugs – and takes over my golf game.  She can’t even hold a club properly.  Her takeaway is bad, she has no follow-through, and she can’t chip or putt.  I hate her!

And she doesn’t just show up between rounds, sometimes she takes over in the middle of a round!  I had one round going where I was 2 over par after 9 holes.   I’m thinking I can break 80.  […]

Bucket Or Sucket List?

Rebecca and I took a recent trip to Florida and I had one day to play golf in the Miami area.

Who knew Miami golf was so expensive?   OK, maybe you knew, but I didn’t.  The course closest to our hotel (which I saw from the street and looked unimpressive) was $250.  Then there was the “famous” course but that was $350.  I asked if it came with Hamilton tickets.

So I played a course about an hour outside of the city that charged $45.   Silly me.

I got to the first tee but the grass was so overgrown I couldn’t figure out the direction of the hole.  And I don’t mean was it straight or a dogleg, I mean, which way did the Tee Box face?

But I spotted the group in front of me and hit a decent drive in the fairway; this is my “fairway” lie: